Thursday, September 4, 2014

back to school blues (please pardon this sappy post)

I miss you, blog.



I don't ever have the time or energy to visit you.  I'm not even sure I would even want my thoughts on paper.  They're just doing somersaults and loop-de-loops in my head.  Nonstop acrobatic thoughts.


This is the sad truth….right now my job is kicking my butt and hurting my heart.  
I've wanted to post about all the fun back to school activities I've been doing, but other matters have been weighing on me.


It's hard.  Our jobs are hard.  This year it's not the paperwork or duties or therapy that I struggle with. 
It's the being side by side with kids in crisis and knowing nothing you do will ever really be enough. 
Sitting next to kids who have slipped sooo far into the cracks that, try as you may, you cannot save.
Seeing kids who have learned- in their hurtful homes- that maybe it's better just not to speak.
The angry kids.  The scared ones.  The ill ones.  The huggers and the scowlers.
8, 9, 10 hours are not enough. Never enough time to truly get to everyone's needs.
Never enough manpower.  Never enough time… to fix things.  Make everything better. Like trying to wipe up a huge spill with single ply toilet paper that keeps tearing from the roll….
or running through quicksand.
When I'm not with them, I'm still thinking about them.
Thinking of ways to make it better.
When I wake up in the middle of the night I think about them.  I pray for them.
When I'm brushing my teeth - then too...
When I'm applying my concealer (very much of it these days) I'm thinking of the dilemmas…the seemingly hopeless situations.


I love my profession but my job….well, it's caused quite a few tears lately.


I am clinging to these words each day….





I'm not usually a downer (at least I hope I'm not) so please do excuse this little post in my moment of melancholy.  Perhaps it's because I just spent 2 days at CPI (crisis prevention intervention) training and the fact that we need that training at all makes me a little sad.
The fact that I had to apply it today - the very next day after the training- even worse.


If you are inclined to pray, please pray for my babies in crisis and their teams who are giving their all.  


May better days lie ahead. 


-Mia

6 comments:

  1. Mia, I know I am not alone in understanding completely how you are feeling. I also know that it is not enough. I am praying for your students and YOU!

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    1. Thank you, Annie, that means more than you will ever know.

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  2. May be you could flip your thinking a bit....yes, kids in crisis hurts our hearts, but maybe, just maybe, that's because we need to be hurting to give them some true lovin'. Maybe God (or whomever/whatever you believe in beyond yourself--me, it's God and his son Jesus) put you where you are to be that person who DOES worry about these little darlin's in a way no one else is doing. It's hard--so very very hard--and it doesn't get easier for us, but, maybe, just maybe, you are helping to make it easier for one of them....
    Love yourself--let yourself grieve for them--and then get back to finding how to be the positive in your world....God Bless.

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    1. Sally, these words are very encouraging. I have been reminding myself of this each day. I do believe God placed me just where I need to be right now. Thanks for the blessings and the words I needed to hear.

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  3. Mia-
    I know your feelings. It is okay to feel this way. I have been there and I will be there again. Try to feel better by reminding yourself that you are there for your students- not just for therapy- but also because you have love to share.

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    1. Thank you so much, Carly. I needed to hear that. I appreciate you taking a sec to send me some words of encouragement. xo

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