I don't ever have the time or energy to visit you. I'm not even sure I would even want my thoughts on paper. They're just doing somersaults and loop-de-loops in my head. Nonstop acrobatic thoughts.
This is the sad truth….right now my job is kicking my butt and hurting my heart.
I've wanted to post about all the fun back to school activities I've been doing, but other matters have been weighing on me.
It's hard. Our jobs are hard. This year it's not the paperwork or duties or therapy that I struggle with.
It's the being side by side with kids in crisis and knowing nothing you do will ever really be enough.
Sitting next to kids who have slipped sooo far into the cracks that, try as you may, you cannot save.
Seeing kids who have learned- in their hurtful homes- that maybe it's better just not to speak.
The angry kids. The scared ones. The ill ones. The huggers and the scowlers.
8, 9, 10 hours are not enough. Never enough time to truly get to everyone's needs.
Never enough manpower. Never enough time… to fix things. Make everything better. Like trying to wipe up a huge spill with single ply toilet paper that keeps tearing from the roll….
or running through quicksand.
When I'm not with them, I'm still thinking about them.
Thinking of ways to make it better.
When I wake up in the middle of the night I think about them. I pray for them.
When I'm brushing my teeth - then too...
When I'm applying my concealer (very much of it these days) I'm thinking of the dilemmas…the seemingly hopeless situations.
I love my profession but my job….well, it's caused quite a few tears lately.
I am clinging to these words each day….
I'm not usually a downer (at least I hope I'm not) so please do excuse this little post in my moment of melancholy. Perhaps it's because I just spent 2 days at CPI (crisis prevention intervention) training and the fact that we need that training at all makes me a little sad.
The fact that I had to apply it today - the very next day after the training- even worse.
If you are inclined to pray, please pray for my babies in crisis and their teams who are giving their all.
May better days lie ahead.